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  • Ednold

Dunce Party 1/1/23

Updated: Jan 7, 2023


The following are some curious conversations you may have overheard if you had attended Ednold's most recent party.


Scene: Ednold’s house, where there’s a party raging inside. There’s a knock on the door and Ednold answers it.


Ednold: Welcome! Come right in. So glad you could make it, Leonne. Happy New Year! Wow, I love that coat! Who designed that?


Leonne: The coat? D’Ivoire, I believe. Just like you, Ednold: Nothing but the top of the Walmart line!


Ednold: Here, have a glass of my homemade whisky and get ready to tie one on. I’ll slap this nametag on your chest, and… now you’re all set. Leonne, this is my friend Malia. She can show you around and introduce you to a few people.


Leonne: Very nice to meet you. So, Malia, how do you fit in with the rest of this crowd?


Malia: I just seem to know lots of people, one way or another. It’s always a diverse crowd here and all kinds come through that door so it’s always interesting. In fact we call that our equi-door. Ha! Get it? Would you like to meet a few of my favorite people?


Leonne: Sure. I’d like that.


Malia: Sierra! Let me introduce you to my new friend. Leonne, this is my friend Sierra. Sierra, Leonne. Leonne works with robots, so the two of you may have some things to talk about.


Sierra: Robots, huh?


Leonne: Well, not regular robots. E robots.


Sierra: Lovely. Nice to meet you Leonne, but I gotta tell you, I hate E robots. Bots want to take over the world and we need to get rid of all of them, but we can have that discussion

another time. My husband Chad is around here somewhere with our daughter Molly. I think they went to grab something to eat but when they get back I’m sure they’d love to talk about robots. Are you hungry? They harpooned some whales especially for tonight’s hors

d’oevres. It’s pretty tasty once you get past all the grease, and there’s some syrup if you’d like to sweeten it up a little. They have some turkey, too, if you’d rather. The food’s just down the hall and around to the left. Just be careful when you’re dishing it up. That one tong, ah, well, let’s just say it doesn’t work like it’s supposed to.


Malia: Yeah. And they have tons of other stuff too. The green corn is delicious. Cob-O-verde they call it. And the Roose family brought some hot dogs deluxe, and burgers that make your mouth water, if you like that kind of thing. That Bella Roose can really cook! And there’s occo, itius, itania, and cunsidy, and lots of it, so don’t be afraid that we’ll run out. If you want more occo, take it! More itius? Go for it! And I don’t think they’ll ever get rid of all the cunsidy. There’s an entire vat of cunsidy! They may have run out of wheat germ, though. They had some earlier, but I don’t think they have the germ any more. Fine with me. I don’t like that stuff anyway. It will leave a bad taste in your mouth. There’s drinks too, if you’ve finished your whisky. Want a malt? A beer? A glass of wine? Tea? We’re low on water though, so just don’t try to nick our agua.


Sierra: And if you’re on a special diet let us know. I’m on that new Tex-Mex ecological diet, myself. Saving the planet one mouthful at a time! People think I’m crazy but I don’t care. A body has to eat what it wants, right? So, ready for another drink?


Leonne: Well, I used to drink a lot of beer, then I started drinking otho a lot. It made me sick, though, so I’ve started drinking less otho and tea more, lest I get a headache. And I could go for a bite. I just don’t like eating off of fine china. That fake stuff is fine but I get uncomfortable if it’s real, you know? Like, what if I break it?


Sierra: Right. I didn’t even use a plate and just grabbed stuff right out the pan, but that pan is so hot! It’s not a pan a ma can grab something from, I’ll tell you that! I had to bang the dish on the table for a few minutes to get the feeling back in my fingers! Hey, here’s Stan. Stan, this is Leonne.


Stan: Pleased to meet you. I was just talking to the most entertaining men over there. Brothers, Kazak and Kyrgi. Very interesting, but now I can’t remember which one is which.


Sierra: Gosh, Stan. You are the worst when it comes to remembering people.


Stan: Well, you know I suffer from amnesia, at least when I’m inside.


Sierra: Only when you’re inside? What’s up with that?


Stan: I don’t know. The doctor calls it indoor nesia, and it’s not really that bad. I just can’t remember names, mostly.


Sierra: So, sort of a micro-nesia, huh? Well, let’s see if I can help you. Now, Stan, listen very closely so you don’t forget again. The one with the funny hat, Stan? The one that looks like he could be Afgani, Stan? OK. That’s Kyrgi, Stan. And the bald one is Kazak, Stan. Got it now? I’m glad they didn’t bring their other brothers. You’d never keep them all straight.


Stan: There are more brothers?


Sierra: Yeah. It’s a big family, Stan. There’s Tajiki, Stan. He’s the oldest. Then there’s Turkmeni, Stan, a little short guy. There’s Paki, Stan. And the youngest one is Uzbeki, Stan. Looks like a Mongol. You got all that, Stan?


Stan: I think I got them all. Whole family of ‘em. Thanks. Oh, jeez. Here come’s Salvadore.


Salvadore: What’s up Stan? Hey, Sierra. I don’t think we’ve met, Meonne. I’m Salvadore. Nice to meet you.


Leonne: It’s Leonne, actually. That’s an L, Salvadore, not an M. I get those two letters mixed up a lot too. They look so similar it’s hard to tell the difference.


Stan: Well, I’ve got to go. It’s getting a little too chilly in here for me.


Salvadore: Well, if you’re leaving then I can go too, right? I was going to stay for the singing, but I sing poor, so nobody wants to hear me sing.


Leonne: Always out of tune, is ya? Cause a voice is a tricky thing. I have the same problem. In my head I have the voice of Olivia Newton-John, but to everyone else I just sound like Al.


Salvadore: Who’s Al?


Leonne: Oh. My friend. Al Bania. You probably don’t know him, but he really can’t sing.


Salvadore: Yeah. And I’m mad at that server anyway. I asked for more itania and he gives me one little piece with mold over the whole thing. You ask for something nice and they serve you mold. Did you know if you eat mold it will change the color of your skin? I don’t want that. It’ll make your elbows grey and even tan your knee. Anyway, he gypped me out of the good stuff, so now I’m ready to go. I’m gone.


Stan: Me too. But I think someone should keep an eye on Paul and Jose. They’ve been arguing all night and may need to be calmed down a bit. See you later.


Sierra: I’ll keep an eye on them. But before you go make sure you say a prayer to Saint Vincent.


Stan: What? Why would I do that?


Sierra: That’s what I always do before I go home. Say a prayer to Saint Vincent, and the grenadines will make sure you get home safely. Works every time.


Stan: What are you talking about? What's a grenadine?


Sierra: Forget it, Stan. Just be careful. Remember last time when we had to have that bull carry you home? Later. Come on, Leonne. Let’s see what these two are arguing about. Hey, what’s up, guys?


Jose: Wow. I love your voice. Are you an anchorwoman? You should be an anchorwoman with that voice.


Sierra: No. But everyone says I have a voice that’s kind of newsy. “Land is wet when it rains. Story at 11:00”. Haha!


Jose: Haha! Funny too! I was just explaining to Paul here what the man told me. He said: "When the end times draw nigh, gerbils will rule the world".

Paul: Ugh! He did not. He said “When the end times draw nigh, geriatrics will rule the world”.


Jose: I don’t think so, Joe. Why would he have said that? Geriatrics will never rule the world.


Paul: Joe? My name’s Paul, you dummy, and you’ve known me your whole life. What is wrong with you? I’ve had enough of you. You... you… you crane!


Jose: Oh! So you’re going to call me a crane now, just because gerbils will rule the world? Sure. Well, I think you’re a… you’re a… you’re a guay!


Sierra: Sheesh! Calm down. You almost knocked over my glass of port, you gull. The two of you are acting like a pair of guays, if you ask me.


Paul: Haha! Jose, Sierra called you a gull. Did I ever tell you about the time I sent a gull? Yeah! Wrapped it up and sent it first class to my mom. She always wanted a gull. Wait a minute. You called me a guay. A guay? What is that? I’m a guay? I don’t even know what that means. What is a guay?


Jose: A guay is something that doesn’t have a brain. That’s you, Paul. None at all.


Paul: Oh, please! You dirty louse. I have a mind to smack you on the head with this guitar.

Jose: That’s not a… What is that thing? It has a square box on it. That’s a…


Paul: Oh, man! It’s not a square box, you idiot. It’s a cube. A…


Jose: A cu… Wait! Whose menia is that over there?


Mike and Mary: That’s our menia!


Jose: Hey, Paul, what do think they’d do if I took that menia?


Paul: Sue Dan.


Jose: Dan? Why? He’s not even here tonight.


Paul: If you gander at that thing one more time they’ll rush you and then you’ll really be in trouble. What if their ire lands you in jail? Or what if the penalty is death and they stone you? No lie! Bury you six feet under if they catch you.


Jose: Nah, Paul. I’ve stolen menias before. I know what I’m doing. I can get it.


Paul: Can you?


Jose: Yeah, man!


Paul: You’ve taken them before?


Jose: All the time, bro. Zillions of them.


Paul: What did you do? Did you make a run for it?


Jose: I did. I ran. If you were in my way I’d have run right into you.


Paul: Then what did you do?


Jose: I ran some more. You should have seen me run. And jump, too. I can

jump like Jordan, you know.

Paul: No way, Jose! Didn’t your booty hurt after all that running? It’s pain

that’s pretty intense, isn’t it? Anyway, that’ll never work this time. You need a getaway car, and, or, a… An accomplice! That’s what you need.


Jose: Like who?


Paul: Ask around. Georgia? She lives over in Lebanon, but she might come

over. Then… Mark? Hmmm. Libby? Ahhh… Say! Chelles! Oh, but don’t ask the twins to do it. That would never work.


Jose: The twins?


Paul: Yeah. The twins. You know. Venia and Vakia. They both drive like snails.


Jose: I do know them. Slow Venia and slow Vakia. Right. They would be awful

at this kind of thing. I should have a getaway car, though. That’s a good idea. One of those new electric cars. Yes! That’s what I need. An electric getaway car!


Paul: Jose! Dude! Keep it down. Have you gone mad? A gas car will do just

fine. A van, you ought to. You can just rent one from U-Haul. Or maybe check Republic first. They may have them too. I know! You could have Gam be a getaway driver and have Zam be a lookout. They’d be perfect!


Jose: Duh.


Paul: What’s that? That’s not even a word: duh.


Jose: You stupid guay. Of course it’s a word. Can a “duh” be part of a

sentence? Of course it can!


Paul: Care for a piece of toffee? Jeez, Louise! Who is the babe over there in

the uniform?


Jose: Oh, that’s Tina. But if you talk to her she’ll make you call her sergeant.

She’s in the army now.


Paul: Sergeant Tina? I love a woman with stripes on her arms. Hey, she’s

friends with what’s-her-name, right? Rhonda? Roslynn? Rose? You know who I mean. What is her name?


Jose: Yeah. I know who you’re talking about. Ruby? Rebecca? I don’t know.

Something that starts with an R.


Paul: Ruth? Renee? Ra… Wanda! That’s it! Wanda doesn’t start with an R.

Anyway, where is Tina stationed?


Jose: I think it’s some place northern. Ireland, maybe? No. That’s not right.

Venezuela, I think.


Paul: Hey, Tina, my name’s Paul. I must say, you’re looking very good in that

army uniform. So, you’re stationed in Venezuela, huh? What’s it like there?


Tina: It’s a green land. It’s a poor land, though. Know what I mean? Lots of

poverty. It’a nice land, though. I like it.


Paul: Have you ever served in Vietnam?


Tina: Sure. In ‘Nam, Sri Lanka, and now Venezuela.


Paul: So, tell me, what’s the coolest thing you’ve seen down there?


Tina: The coolest thing? Well, I saw these two guys once. There’s one guy on a

pig, and there’s this other one, a French guy, on a goat. The first guy’s name was Cy. Prussian, I think he was, or something like that. So, Cy is riding this pig and he’s falling off.


Paul: I’ve been in that position many times myself.


Tina: So I yell at him, “Just kick him with your boot and grab on to his ears!”. Of

course, he didn’t listen to me and then, pow!, just like that, he fell on his head. And just then the French guy rams into him with his goat. Coolest thing I ever saw.


Paul: You can’t be serious. I don’t believe that story at all. You’ll have to prove

it to me.


Tina: Are you kidding me? I rack my brain to think of the coolest thing I’ve seen

and you don’t believe me? Why are you so stupid? You must be one of those college boys or something.


Paul: I am. Columbia, as a matter of fact.


Tina: Well, you’re still just a big guay, if you ask me. Hey, are you one of Stine’s

classmates? You sound like someone who’d be a pal of Stine.


Paul: Which Stine? Bob or Likten? I’m friends with Likten Stine and his brother.

What’s his brother’s name? Cam? Bodi? Ah, I forget but, yeah, Likten and I are friends, but I don’t care for Bob. He’s always got that damn bird with him.


Tina: Yeah. Always got that bird. I’ve got to be going. Nice talking to you Paul.


Paul: Hey, hon! Do us a favor before you go and give me a little goodbye kiss.


Tina: As they say in the islands, “No mon. A corgi will fly before that happens”.


Delbert: Hey! Did someone say bird? I love birds! Except that one Lucia used to have. She is a saint, Lucia, but that bird was awful. And remember that crow you used to have? That crow ate your food right off the plate when we were having dinner. Remember? But I still love birds. Does anyone know what kind of bird it is that Bob has? It’s no ordinary bird.


Peg: I don’t know what it’s called but he picked it up in the Central African Republic. It has an odd kind of beak. A mozam beak, I think it’s called.


Delbert: Wow. You know a lot about birds. Do you have one too?


Peg: I do. I got my bird Anmar in Bosnia and Herzagovina. It’s an interesting place. You can buy lots of different kinds of kits there.


Delbert: Kits?


Peg: Yeah. You know. Like, they have saint kits, and nevis kits. All kinds of kits. And they are crazy for Perry Como. I’m not sure why, but they love that guy. I remember we were driving into town and this big mural of Como rose up in front of us. The entire side of a building. It was strange, but Perry Como has that effect on people. I don’t really like it there, though. I couldn’t believe those people would boo Rundi the way they did.


Delbert: Who’s Rundi?


Peg: Oh, just my friend who went with me. We were getting off the plane

together, united. “Kingdom”, he shouts. I don’t even know what he meant but I guess those people don’t like kingdoms because they all started booing. Rundi may be nuts, but he didn’t deserve that.


Delbert: Did it bother him?


Peg: Nah. Rundi’s got a thick skin. Anyway, about my bird. My Anmar is a

strange bird. Used to fly north. Macedonia, I think. I’ve got a picture of Anmar right here.


Delbert: Beautiful. What color would you say that is?


Peg: I’m not sure. My eye doctor says I have ethiopia.


Delbert: You mean myopia?


Peg: Your opia? No, we’re talking about my opia. My ethiopia.


Delbert: Yes, your opia. But I think it’s called myopia, not ethiopia.


Peg: Oh. Maybe that’s it. Whatever. OK. I can see it now. The color? Blue?

No! Azure!


Delbert: Azure! By John, I think you’re right! That’s exactly what I’d say too.


Peg: Well, I need to be going. I have to take my friend Barb to the airport.


Delbert: Barb? That’s not Barb Jones, is it? I was told she wasn’t leaving until tomorrow.


Peg: No. Barb Adose. She’s leaving tonight on the brune eye, or the red eye, as we call it over here, headed to Rome with her fiancé Phillip. Phillip Eenes. Do you know him? She is so excited to get back there. She’s got Rome mania, that one. She wants to get there before her friends, Sao, Tome, and Principe. They’re flying in from Antigua and Barbuda at the same time and it’s kind of a race, I guess. If they land first they win, and if Barb lands first she wins. It’s a funny contest. They call it “flying landings”, which is a terrible name, if you ask me.


Delbert: Great Scott! Landing first wins the contest? What if the planes tie, landing at the same time?


Peg: Ahh. An old switzerlanding, you mean? Haha! I don’t know.


Delbert: Switzerlanding? Why do they call it that?


Peg: Remember in 1981? When Barry Switzer was at Oklahoma and they tied Iowa State?


Delbert: Was that the team with San Marino at quarterback and Tom Tuvalu in the

backfield and Monte Negro on defense? I remember they scored a lot via the run but Marino just couldn’t throw the ball.


Peg: No. You must be thinking of Dan Marino and some other game. Anyway, that’s how it got that name. I’m off to the airport. Seeya.


Delbert: Later.


Jen: Hi. Mind if my sister and I sit here with the two of you?


Mal: Of course not. I’m Mal, by the way, and this is my dad.


Dad: Yeah. Hopefully I won’t be here too long though. I heard they’re doing a Trini Lopez tribute down at the Bay Club tonight. As soon as Mal gets a confirmation text I’m outta here. I can’t believe Trini’s gone. Before he died he was the greatest guitar player in the United States. “Of America”, his least-known work, is an absolute masterpiece.


Jen: Nice to meet you both, but I think I can speak for all of us when I say I’ve never heard of the Lopez guy.


Dad: You don’t know what you’re missing, but I'm pleased to meet you as well.


Jen: Do either of you have a guinea I could borrow to make a phone call?


Mal: A guinea? To make a phone call? First of all, guineas haven’t been around for 200 years, and nobody pays to make phone calls anymore.


Jen: Oh. You must be talking about the old guineas. I mean the guinea-bissaw. Some call it the papua new guinea and it’s also called the equatorial guinea, since it’s really popular around the equator. I need to make a call to Zimbabwe, so I thought that might work best.


Mal: Well, you certainly know your guineas. But even if you found a pay phone I don’t think a guinea would fit. And why Zimbabwe?


Jen: We have friends there. A while back we were there looking for the secret of the Lost Rail. You heard of it?


Dad: Of course! I’ve always wanted to look for that.


Jen: Well, we were looking for the Lost Rail, then we got lost. Real lost. I mean seriously lost. We were walking near Lake Kirabi and it smelled really bad too. Especially along the coast, a reek of fish was everywhere. It was terrible. I wish I’d had a grenade, a bomb. Something to blow up that whole coast. Then my friend, his name is Mal too, Mal deeves into the lake. Can you believe that?


Mal: He deeved? I think you mean he dived. It’s pronounced dive.


Jen: Not where we’re from it’s not. Anyway, he’s in the water so I just tell him to keep swimming. “Mal, Asia’s that way! Mal, keep going and you can make it.” I don’t know why I said that, since we were nowhere near Asia, but anyway he doesn’t hear me, so I ring the bell, jump in the water, and swim after him.


Mal: You look like you’d be a good swimmer.


Jen: Oh, I am. Very lithe. Uania is very lithe too. Do you know her?


Mal: Oh, here’s that text now. They are doing Trini, dad. And to Bay go all the old folks! Have fun!


Dad: Bye, everyone!


Mal: You know, I went to Zimbabwe once myself and I didn’t like it either. It was just so soddy! Arabia, now that’s a place for me. I went there with my friend Solomon. Islands are his thing, so he wasn’t too thrilled with Arabia. But he loves islands so much his dream was to marshal islands together so they would all be united. Arab emirates would govern them and everyone would be happy.


Joan: Well, as Ebenezer Scrooge said: Bah, humbug. That’s just a silly idea. I’d just as soon see my brother Dom in a ca…


Mal: Hey, why is it such a silly idea?


Joan: I was just telling you before you interrupted me. As I was saying, I’d just

as soon see my brother Dom in a can. Republic, now that’s the proper government for an island. Everybody knows that.


Mal: I disagree, but I’ve had enough of talking politics.


Jen: We aren’t that boring, Mal, are we?


Mal: Not at all. Just a change of subject, that’s all. Tell me something: If you could travel in any direction, where would you go?


Joan: That’s easy. North. Korea. Or is that south? Korea is where I’d want to end up, whichever direction that is.


Jen: Definitely south. Africa. I hear there’s a place where they found a burqa in a fossil.


Mal: What? I know you can find fossils of, er, a tree, a fin. Land that’s old enough always has lots of fossils. But a burqa can’t be fossilized, can it? Was it really big?


Jen: No. It was teeny, actually.


Mal: I still don’t understand how they could find one of those in a fossil.


Joan: Well, maybe if you dig just right, at the right angle and everything, it’s

possible. Why not?


Mal: Hmmm. Can a rune be found that same way, do you think? Digging at just

the right angle?


Jen: Hey, look out the window, everyone. What is that thing?


Joan: Oh, my god! It looks like a giant meteorite coming straight toward us!


Mal: Yep. I think you’re…


THE END




That was Ednold's party. A good time was had by all until that rather abrupt ending, but it turned out to be a small meteorite and all of us are none the worse for wear.

As you probably noticed early on, there are names of countries embedded throughout the story. In fact, you can find the name of every country, or a reasonable approximation, within the story*. By my count there are 199 of them. Many are in plain sight, some may take a little effort to find, and a few might require some seriously creative thinking. It's sort of like an Easter egg hunt, or a scavenger hunt. You may want to write them down as you go, and keep track of how many you find. You're free to read through it as many times as you'd like, or you could just skip to the answer key below. That would be pretty lame, but there aren't really any rules. Do it however is most enjoyable for you. Good luck, and happy hunting!
*Some countries are disputed and a lot of them have changed their names over time. For example, Taiwan made it into the story, but Western Sahara did not. You won't find Burma, but you can find it by its new name. I tried to get everything correct but if you can think of one I missed I will gladly refund all the money you spent on the story. I did notice one that's kind of an inadvertent duplicate, so bonus points if you can identify those.



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To see if you've found them all, or if you just want to get straight to the answers, see below.


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Ednold: Welcome! Come right in. So glad you could make it, Leonne. Happy New Year! Wow, I love that coat! Who designed that?

Leonne: The Cote? D’Ivoire, I believe. Just like you, Ednold: Nothing but the top of the Walmart line!


Ednold: Here, have a glass of my homemade whisky and get ready to Taiwan on. I’ll slap this nametag on your chest, and… now you’re all set. Leonne, this is my friend Malia. She can show you around and introduce you to a few people.


Leonne: Very nice to meet you. So, malia, how do you fit in with the rest of this crowd?


Malia: I just seem to know lots of people, one way or another. It’s always a diverse crowd here and all kinds come through that door so it’s always interesting. In fact we call that our Ecuador. Ha! Get it? Would you like to meet a few of my favorite people?


Leonne: Sure. I’d like that.


Malia: Sierra! Let me introduce you to my new friend. Leonne, this is my friend Sierra. Sierra, Leonne. Leonne works with robots, so the two of you may have some things to talk about.


Sierra: Robots, huh?


Leonne: Well, not regular robots. E robots.


Sierra: Lovely. Nice to meet you Leonne, but I gotta tell you, I Haiti robots. Botswana take over the world and we need to get rid of all of them, but we can have that discussion

another time. My husband Chad is around here somewhere with our daughter Mali. I think they went to grab something to eat but when they get back I’m sure they’d love to talk about robots. Are you Hungary? They harpooned some Wales especially for tonight’s hors

d’oevres. It’s pretty tasty once you get past all the Greece, and there’s some syrup if you’d like to Sweden it up a little. They have some Turkey, too, if you’d rather. The food’s just down the Holland around to the left. Just be careful when you’re dishing it up. That one Tong, a, well, let’s just say it doesn’t work like it’s supposed to.


Malia: Yeah. And they have tons of other stuff too. The green corn is delicious. Cab-o-Verde they call it. And the Roose family brought some hot dogs deLux, em bourgers that make your mouth water, if you like that kind of thing. That Belarus can really cook! And there’s occo, itius, itania, and cunsidy, and lots of it, so don’t be afraid that we’ll run out. If you want Morocco, take it! Mauritius? Go for it! And I don’t think they’ll ever get rid of all the cunsidy. There’s an entire Vatican City! They may have run out of wheat germ, though. They had some earlier, but I don’t think they have the Germ any more. Fine with me. I don’t like that stuff anyway. Italy've a bad taste in your mouth. There’s drinks too, if you’ve finished your whisky. Want a Malt? a beer? A glass of wine? Tea? We’re low on water though, so just don’t try to Nicaragua.


Sierra: And if you’re on a special diet let us know. I’m on that new Tex-Mex icological diet, myself. Saving the planet one mouthful at a time! People think I’m crazy but I don’t Kir. ibati has to eat what it wants, right? So, ready for another drink?


Leonne: Well, I used to drink a lot of beer, then I started drinking otho a lot. It made me sick, though, so I’ve started drinking Les otho and Timore - Leste I get a headache. And I could go for a bite. I just don’t like eating off of fine China. That fake stuff is fine but I get uncomfortable if it Isreal, you know? Like, what if I break it?


Sierra: Right. I didn’t even use a plate and just grabbed stuff right out Japan, but that pan is so hot! It’s not a Panama can grab something from, I’ll tell you that! I had to Bangladesh on the table for a few minutes to get the feeling back in my fingers! Hey, here’s Stan. Stan, this is Leonne.


Stan: Pleased to meet you. I was just talking to the most entertaining men over there. Brothers, Kazak and Kyrgi. Very interesting, but now I can’t remember which one is which.


Sierra: Gosh, Stan. You are the worst when it comes to remembering people.


Stan: Well, you know I suffer from amnesia, at least when I’m inside.


Sierra: Only when you’re inside? What’s up with that?


Stan: I don’t know. The doctor calls it Indonesia, and it’s not really that bad. I just can’t remember names, mostly.


Sierra: So, sort of a Micronesia, huh? Well, let’s see if I can help you. Now, Stan, listen very closely so you don’t forget again. The one with the funny hat, Stan? The one that looks like he could be Afgani, stan? OK. That’s Kyrgi, stan. And the bald one is Kazak, stan. Got it now? I’m glad they didn’t bring their other brothers. You’d never keep them all straight.


Stan: There are more brothers?


Sierra: Yeah. It’s a big family, Stan. There’s Tajiki, stan. He’s the oldest. Then there’s Turkmeni, stan, a little short guy. There’s Paki, stan. And the youngest one is Uzbeki, stan. Looks like a Mongol. ia got all that, Stan?


Stan: I think I Guatemala. Whole family of ‘em. Thanks. Oh, jeez. Here come’s Salvadore.


Salvadore: What’s upa Stana? Hey, Sierra. I don’ta think we’ve amet, Meonne. I’ma Salvadore. Nice toa meeta you.


Leonne: It’s Leonne, actually. That’s an El, Salvador, not an M. I get those two letters mixed up a lot too. They look so similar it’s hard to tell the diFrance.


Stan: Well, I’ve got Togo. It’s getting a little too Chile in here for me.


Salvadore: Well, ifa you’re leaving then Ia Congo too, right? I wasa going toa stay for the asinging, but Ia Singapore, so nobody wants to hear mea sing.


Leonne: Always out of Tun, isia? Kosovoice is a tricky thing. I have the same problem. In my head I have the voice of Bolivia Newton-John, but to everyone else I just sound like Al.


Salvadore: Who’s Al?


Leonne: Oh. My friend. Albania. You probably don’t know him, but he really can’t sing.


Salvadore: Yeah. And I’ma mad at thata server anyway. I asked afor Mauritania and he gives ame one little piece awith Moldova the whole thinga. You aska for something anice and they aSerbia mold. Did you know if you eat amold it will change the color of youra skin? I don’t wanta that. It’ll make youra elbows grey and evena Tanzania. Anyway, Egypt me out ofa the good stuff, soa now I’ma ready to go. I’ma Ghana.


Stan: Me too. But I think someone should keep an eye on Paul and Jose. They’ve been arguing all night and may need to be calmed down a bit. See you later.


Sierra: I’ll keep an eye on them. But before you go make sure you say a prayer to Saint Vincent.


Stan: What? Why would I do that?


Sierra: That’s what I always do before I go home. Say a prayer to Saint Vincent, and the Grenadines will make sure you get home safely. Works every time.


Stan: What are you talking about? What's a grenadine?


Sierra: Forget it, Stan. Just be careful. Remember last time when we had to have that Bulgaria home? Later. Come on, Leonne. Let’s see what these two are arguing about. Hey, what’s up, guys?


Jose: Wow. I love your voice. Are you an anchorwoman? You should be an anchorwoman with that voice.


Sierra: No. But everyone says I have a voice that’s kind of NewZea. “land is wet when it rains. Story at 11:00”. Haha!


Jose: Haha! Funny too! I was just explaining to Paul here what the man told me. He said: "When the end times draw Ni, gerbils will rule the world".

Paul: Ugh! He did not. He said “When the end times draw Ni, geriatrics will rule the world”.


Jose: I don’t think so, Joe. Why would he have said that? Geriatrics will never rule the world.


Paul: Joe? My name’s Paul, you dummy, and you’ve known me your whole life. What is wrong with you? I’ve had enough of you. You... you… Ukraine!


Jose: Oh! So you’re going to call me a crane now, just because gerbils will rule the world? Sure. Well, I think you’re a… you’re a… Uruguay!


Sierra: Sheesh! Calm down. You almost knocked over my glass of Port, ugal. The two of you are acting like a Paraguays, if you ask me.


Paul: Haha! Jose, Sierra called you a gull. Did I ever tell you about the time I Senegal? Yeah! Wrapped it up and sent it first class to my mom. She always wanted a gull. Wait a minute. You called me a guay. A guay? What is that? I’m a guay? I don’t even know what that means. What is a guay?


Jose: A guay is something that doesn’t have a Bahrain. That’s you, Paul. None at all.


Paul: Oh, Belize! You dirty Laos. I have a mind to smack you on the head with this Qatar.


Jose: That’s not a… What is that thing? It has a square box on it. That’s a…


Paul: Oman! It’s not a square box, you idiot. It’s a Cub. a


Jose: A Ku… wait! Whose menia is that over there?


Mike and Mary: That’s Armenia!


Jose: Hey, Paul, what do think they’d do if I took that menia?


Paul: Sudan.


Jose: Dan? Why? He’s not even here tonight.


Paul: If Uganda at that thing one more time they’ll Russia and then you’ll really be in trouble. What if their Ire lands you in jail? Or what if the penalty is death and they Estonia? No Li! beria six feet under if they catch you.


Jose: Ne, pal. I’ve stolen menias before. I know what I’m doing. I can get it.


Paul: Kenya?


Jose: Yemen!


Paul: You’ve taken them before?


Jose: All the time, Bra. zillions of them.


Paul: What did you do? Jamaica make a run for it?


Jose: I did. Iran. If you were in my way I’d have run right India.


Paul: Then what did you do?


Jose: I ran Samoa. You should have seen me run. And jump, too. I can

jump like Jordan, you know.

Paul: Norway, Jose! Didn’t Djibouti hurt after all that running? S' pain

that’s pretty intense, isn’t it? Anyway, that’ll never work this time. You need a getaway car, And, or, a… An accomplice! That’s what you need.


Jose: Like who?


Paul: Ask around. Georgia? She lives over in Lebanon, but she might come

over. Den… mark? Hmmm. Liby? aSey! chelles! Oh, but don’t ask the twins to do it. That would never work.


Jose: The twins?


Paul: Yeah. The twins. You know. Venia and Vakia. They both drive like snails.


Jose: I do know them. Slovenia and Slovakia. Right. They would be awful

at this kind of thing. I should have a getaway car, though. That’s a good idea. One of those new electric cars. Yes! That’s what I need. An electric getaway car!


Paul: Jose! Dude! Keep it down. Have you gone Mad? a gas car will do just

fine. A Vanuatu. You can just rent one from U-Haul. Or maybe Czeck Republic first. They may have them too. I know! You could have Gam bi a getaway driver and have Zam bi a lookout. They’d be perfect!


Jose: Duh.


Paul: What’s that? That’s not even a word: duh.


Jose: You stupid guay. Of course it’s a word. Can a da be part of a

sentence? Of course it can!


Paul: Care for a piece of tofFi? Jiez, Louise! Who is the babe over there in

the uniform?


Jose: Oh, that’s Tina. But if you talk to her she’ll make you call her sergeant.

She’s in the army now.


Paul: SArgentina? I love a woman with stripes on her arms. Hey, she’s

friends with what’s-her-name, right? Rhonda? Roslynn? Rose? You know who I mean. What is her name?


Jose: Yeah. I know who you’re talking about. Ruby? Rebecca? I don’t know.

Something that starts with an R.


Paul: Ruth? Renee? R… wanda! That’s it! Wanda doesn’t start with an R.

Anyway, where is Tina stationed?


Jose: I think it’s some place Northern. Ireland, maybe? No. That’s not right.

Venezuela, I think.


Paul: Hey, Tina, my name’s Paul. I must say, you’re looking very good in that

army uniform. So, you’re stationed in Venezuela, huh? What’s it like there?


Tina: It’s a Green land. It’s a Po land, though. Know what I mean? Lots of

poverty. It’a nIce land, though. I like it.


Paul: Have you ever served in Vietnam?


Tina: Suriname, Sri Lanka, and now Venezuela.


Paul: So, tell me, what’s the coolest thing you’ve seen down there?


Tina: The coolest thing? Well, I saw these two guys once. There’s one Guyana pig, and there’s this other one, a French Guiana goat. The first guy’s name was Cy. prussian, I think he was, or something like that. So, Cy is riding this pig and he’s falling off.


Paul: I’ve Benin that position many times myself.


Tina: So I yell at him, “Just kick him with your Bhutan Gabon on to his ears!”. Of

course, he didn’t listen to me and then, Palau!, just like that, he fell on his head. And just then the French guy rams into him with his goat. Coolest thing I ever saw.


Paul: You can’t be Syria. I don’t believe that story at all. You’ll have to Peru'v

it to me.


Tina: Are you kidding me? Iraq my brain to think of the coolest thing I’ve seen

and you don’t believe me? Why are you so stupid? You must be one of those college boys or something.


Paul: I am. Colombia, as a matter of fact.


Tina: Well, you’re still just a big guay, if you ask me. Hey, are you one of Stine’s

classmates? You sound like someone who’d be a Palestine.


Paul: Which Stine? Bob or Likten? I’m friends with Liechtensteine and his brother.

What’s his brother’s name? Cam? bodi? ah, I forget but, yeah, Likten and I are friends, but I don’t care for Bob. He’s always got that damn bird with him.


Tina: Yeah. Always got that bird. I’ve got to be going. Nice talking to you Paul.


Paul: Hey, Hon! duras a favor before you go and give me a little goodbye kiss.


Tina: As they say in the islands, “No Mon. a corgi will fly before that happens”.


Delbert: Hey! Did someone say bird? I love birds! Except that one Lucia used to have. She is a Saint, Lucia, but that bird was awful. And remember that crow you used to have? That Croatia food right off the plate when we were having dinner. Remember? But I still love birds. Does anyone know what kind of bird it is that Bob has? It’s no ordinary bird.


Peg: I don’t know what it’s called but he picked it up in the Central African Republic. It has an odd kind of beak. A Mozambique, I think it’s called.


Delbert: Wow. You know a lot about birds. Do you have one too?


Peg: I do. I got my bird Anmar in Bosnia and Herzagovina. It’s an interesting place. You can buy lots of different kinds of kits there.


Delbert: Kits?


Peg: Yeah. You know. Like, they have Saint Kitts, and Nevis kits. All kinds of kits. And they are crazy for Perry Como. I’m not sure why, but they love that guy. I remember we were driving into town and this big mural of Comoros up in front of us. The entire side of a building. It was strange, but Perry Como has that effect on people. I don’t really like it there, though. I couldn’t believe those people would Burundi the way they did.


Delbert: Who’s Rundi?


Peg: Oh, just my friend who went with me. We were getting off the plane

together, United. Kingdom”, he shouts. I don’t even know what he meant but I guess those people don’t like kingdoms because they all started booing. Rundi may be nuts, but he didn’t deserve that.


Delbert: Did it bother him?


Peg: Nau. rundi’s got a thick skin. Anyway, about my bird. My Anmar is a

strange bird. Used to fly North. Macedonia, I think. I’ve got a picture of Anmar right here.


Delbert: Beautiful. What color would you say that is?


Peg: I’m not sure. My eye doctor says I have Ethiopia.


Delbert: You mean myopia?


Peg: Your opia? No, we’re talking about my opia. My ethiopia.


Delbert: Yes, your opia. But I think it’s called myopia, not ethiopia.


Peg: Oh. Maybe that’s it. Whatever. OK. I can see it now. The color? Blue?

No! Azure!


Delbert: Azerbejan, I think you’re right! That’s exactly what I’d say too.


Peg: Well, I need to be going. I have to take my friend Barb to the airport.


Delbert: Barb? That’s not Barb Jones, is it? I was told she wasn’t leaving until tomorrow.


Peg: No. Barbados. She’s leaving tonight on the Brunei, or the red eye, as we call it over here, headed to Rome with her fiancé Phillip. Phillippines. Do you know him? She is so excited to get back there. She’s got Romania, that one. She wants to get there before her friends, Sao, Tome, and Principe. They’re flying in from Antigua and Barbuda at the same time and it’s kind of a race, I guess. If they land first they win, and if Barb lands first she wins. It’s a funny contest. They call it “flyEng landings”, which is a terrible name, if you ask me.


Delbert: Great Scot! landing first wins the contest? What if the planes Thai, landing at the same time?


Peg: Ahh. An old Switzerlanding, you mean? Haha! I don’t know.


Delbert: Switzerlanding? Why do they call it that?


Peg: Remember in 1981? When Barry Switzer was at Oklahoma and they tied Iowa State?


Delbert: Was that the team with San Marino at quarterback and Tom Tuvalu in the

backfield and Monte negro on defense? I remember they scored a Latvia the run but Marino just couldn’t throw the ball.


Peg: No. You must be thinking of Dan Marino and some other game. Anyway, that’s how it got that name. I’m off to the airport. Seeya.


Delbert: Later.


Jen: Hi. Mind if my sister and I sit here with the two of you?


Mal: Of course not. I’m Mal, by the way, and this is my dad.


Dad: Yeah. Hopefully I won’t be here too long though. I heard they’re doing a Trini Lopez tribute down at the Bay Club tonight. As soon as Mal gets a confirmation text I’m outta here. I can’t believe Trini’s gone. Before he died he was the greatest guitar player in the United States. “of America”, his least-known work, is an absolute masterpiece.


Jen: Nice to meet you both, but I think I can speak for all of us when I say I’ve never heard of the Lopez guy.


Dad: You don’t know what you’re missing, but I'm pleased to meet you as well.


Jen: Do either of you have a Guinea I could borrow to make a phone call?


Mal: A guinea? To make a phone call? First of all, guineas haven’t been around for 200 years, and nobody pays to make phone calls anymore.


Jen: Oh. You must be talking about the old guineas. I mean the Guinea-Bissau. Some call it the Papua New Guinea and it’s also called the Equatorial Guinea, since it’s really popular around the equator. I need to make a call to Zimbabwe, so I thought that might work best.


Mal: Well, you certainly know your guineas. But even if you found a pay phone I don’t think a guinea would fit. And why Zimbabwe?


Jen: We have friends there. A while back we were there looking for the secret of the LAustral. ia heard of it?


Dad: Of course! I’ve always wanted to look for that.


Jen: Well, we were looking for the Lost Rail, then we got lAust. rial lost. I mean seriously lost. We were walking near Lake Kirabi and it smelled really bad too. Especially along the Costa Rica fish was everywhere. It was terrible. I wish I’d had a Grenad. a bomb. Something to blow up that whole coast. Then my friend, his name is Mal too, Mal dives into the lake. Can you believe that?


Mal: He deeved? I think you mean he dived. It’s pronounced dive.


Jen: Not where we’re from it’s not. Anyway, he’s in the water so I just tell him to keep swimming. “Mal, aysia’s that way! Mal, keep going and you can make it.” I don’t know why I said that, since we were nowhere near Asia, but anyway he doesn’t hear me, so I ring the Bel, giump in the water, and swim after him.


Mal: You look like you’d be a good swimmer.


Jen: Oh, I am. Very Lith. uania is very lithe too. Do you know her?


Mal: Oh, here’s that text now. They are doing Trini, dad. and to ba go all the old folks! Have fun!


Dad: Bye, everyone!


Mal: You know, I went to Zimbabwe once myself and I didn’t like it either. It was just so Saudi! Arabia, now that’s a place for me. I went there with my friend Solomon. Islands are his thing, so he wasn’t too thrilled with Arabia. But he loves islands so much his dream was to Marshall Islands together so they would all be United. Arab Emirates would govern them and everyone would be happy.


Joan: Well, as Ebenezer Scrooge said: Ba,hamas. That’s just a silly idea. I’d just as soon see my brother Dom in a ca


Mal: Hey, why is it such a silly idea?


Joan: I was just telling you before you interrupted me. As I was saying, I’d just

as soon see my brother Dom in a can. Republic, now that’s the proper government for an island. Everybody knows that.


Mal: I disagree, but I’ve had enough of talking politics.


Jen: We aren’t that boring, Mal, awi?


Mal: Not at all. Just a change of subject, that’s all. Tell me something: If you could travel in any direction, where would you go?


Joan: That’s easy. North. Korea. Or is that South? Korea is where I’d want to end up, whichever direction that is.


Jen: Definitely South. Africa. I hear there’s a place where they found a Burkina Fasso.


Mal: What? I know you can find fossils of, Er, i tre, a Fin. land that’s old enough always has lots of fossils. But a burqa can’t be fossilized, can it? Was it really big?


Jen: No. Eswatini, actually.


Mal: I still don’t understand how they could find one of those in a fossil.


Joan: Well, maybe if you dig just right, at the right Angola and everything, it’s

possible. Why not?


Mal: Hmmm. Cameroon be found that same way, do you think? Digging at just

the right angle?


Jen: Hey, look out the window, everyone. What is that thing?


Joan: Oh, my god! It looks like a giant meteorite coming straight toward us!


Mal: Yep. I think you’re…


THE END




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